I don’t know what hell feels like, but last night, I’m sure it felt like it.
"i could be your perfect disaster and you could be my ever after."i can answer questions.:) Submit
The worst will happen in an unexpected time of the relationship. That’s just how it goes to me, everytime. One day we are so inlove and the next thing you know, we are hanging by a thread. I usually ruin my relationship by a third party. I am bitchy that way. But of course I mature, now, it’s different.
For almost a year, I’ve been obsessing with a guy that turned my life upside down. For the first time in a long time, I was so so in love again. When I fall in love, I become someone else very far from how I describe myself in public. I become CIA all of a sudden: googling names, clicking sites, stalking pasts and tracing families. But that was never brought up in the relationship. That will never be known by my partner—a hidden agenda. And again, after so many attempts to love again, he came to my life and made me stumble helplessly. I loved him. I loved him more than anything else in the world. He was my priority. The number one thing in my head all the time. I dreamt of him almost every night. I started liking what he likes. Composed songs for him. Write about him. I re-read old conversations over and over again and smile all thorough out the browsing. I was inspired in all good ways. I start my day with the thoughts of him and end it with a hope of doing the same thing the next day. He became the reason of my sleepless nights. All I ever did was plan my life with him. It was blissful. A wedding in a church, like I always wanted. Intimate wedding with only family and close friends. Solemn vows. A flat of our own as a starting family. All my nights are spent like that. Me, thinking about being his’, all the time. But my obsession became so intense that the smallest detail affects me. Conflicts started piling up, from ex-gfs to his busy schedule. All of a sudden, I started questioning what we used to have—by myself. A few times I’d burst my anger, but that doesn’t last long. We never really discussed things. We talked about it, yes. But we never discussed it. And those are two different things. Slowly, I felt neglected. I felt I was taken for granted. From sleepless nights to crying myself to sleep. We started having nonsense fights that was never resolved. I started comparing our relationship to those of my friends’. And from time to time, realizations became clear. I wasn’t his’ priority. I am one of his’ priorities, but not the number one, and those are two different things too. I used to think about him and have a good night sleep, but now, I still think about him every night, but that makes me sad. Now, his thoughts makes me curl up in bed and cry like a baby. I stopped liking what he likes. I stopped singing songs for him. I stopped re-reading conversations. I stopped being a CIA. I stopped making plans in my head. The wheels have been turned. It’s not the love story I dreamt a year ago anymore. But I’m still holding on. For the good times sake. I will keep trying, I don’t know for how long, but I’d stay a little longer, maybe we still have a chance. I don’t know.. Maybe.